I Don't Know How
by Ravenus
Summary: Dean and Cas watch a movie and when it is over Cas gets up to leave. Dean has something to tell him but he doesn't know how. Fluffly Destiel. Dean's POV. Rated M for language. Songfic: "Wie Es Geht"


A/N: Normally I'm not into songfics but today I listened to this song and it just brought this small fic to my mind. The song is "Wie es geht" by Die Ärzte, translated lyrics are highlighted in italics. Try and listen.

Destiel

M/M  
Rated M (for language)

Disclaimer: both songtext and characters of this story are not mine. But the story is. Also mentioning of „Murder By Death". Also not mine...

_**I don't know how**_

We are sitting together in Bobby's living room. The older hunter is out in a bar with my brother Sammy but for once I'm fine just sitting here, watching TV with Castiel by my side. The angel has come to like watching old movies and as I found out that "Murder By Death" was on tonight, I thought it might be a nice opportunity to spend some time alone with my angel. I long to tell him something, I'm just waiting for the right time and tonight it might be it.

_I watch him_ out of the corner of my eye, he sits next to me with a pillow on his lap, sometimes hugging it to his chest, making me wish it was me instead. He holds a bottle of beer in his hands and even nips it from time to time because he tries to act more like a human to get along with them better. I don't mind that he is clumsy around others sometimes – it is too cute – but while on a hunt it really can get suspicious, dangerous even, for all of us.

So he mimics my behavior and actions as good as he can and I fear that someday he might lose this cute innocence he possesses now. I watch his face screw up in thought when he tries to follow the jokes in the movie – mostly puns – and he gets most of them. He especially seems to like Sam Diamond and his gruff comments. Does it remind him of me? I hope it does.

God, _Cas is so damn beautiful _when his lips curl up into a smile. I rarely see him smile or laugh and I absorb every little bit of it, try to store it in some corner of my mind and have to smile because he does. My heart pounds heavy in my chest each time his mouth moves upwards. _I could sit here for all eternity and just stare at him_, watch his lovely face, the deep blue eyes, the straight nose, the soft lips, his square jaw, his high cheekbones, the slight stubble on his face, the way his raven black hair frames his face, the locks sticking out as if he just came out of bed – I imagine he looks like this after we would have spent the night together. His hair would be even more disheveled because I would have had my hands buried in it, pulling at it, caressing it...

_Suddenly he stands up and wants to leave _and I look at the TV in panic: the movie is over. Time flies when we are together, but I don't want him to leave.

"_Please don't go yet, Cas_." I beg. "_I know it is late already but there is something I need to tell you..._" _Though I don't know how...Just stay a little longer"_ My angel cocks his head to the side, a silent question and a gesture I learned to love so much. _Why does he have to look at me like that?_ His eyes, these blue depths make me so damn nervous _that I can__'t__ say anything_.

"What do you want to tell me, Dean?" The way he says my name turns my brain into mush. He doesn't pronounce the word different than any other person who says it but he makes it sound special, it is full of affection. Maybe it is just my imagination, but I want to hear it again and again for the rest of my life. _I really don't know what happens to me as my knees turn to jelly._ Only he has this effect on me, no woman I have ever met could give me this feeling of home and belonging. I remember that I have something to tell him. _It seems so easy in the movies, but I guess my face visibly pales _under his questioning gaze. _I don't know what to say..._

"Maybe it's not of such great importance..." I mumble when my courage leaves me. The problem is not my feelings. I KNOW that I love him but the words won't find their way to my tongue. This is fear I realize! I have never been afraid of anything and now a simple confession of love turns me into a six year old who fears the monster under his bed? But there's so much at stake here... If he doesn't feel the same for me I might ruin our friendship.

"Okay. I will leave now, so you can get a good night's sleep." Cas says. _Oh God, he is about to leave!_ Doesn't he see the turmoil with me? To me it seems as if my feelings are written all over my face, I guess Sam and Bobby already know, they must have seen that my eyes strip the angel naked.

"_Please...don't leave yet, _Cas._ Stay a few minutes longer as there's something I need to tell you though I'm at a loss of words. Please don't leave. I know it is late already _and I should get some sleep so I'm rested for tomorrow's hunt but _I want to tell you something._" He stares at me, his unafraid gaze boring into my eyes. A sigh escapes my lips. "_I don't know how..."_ I confess again. Can't he already guess what it is that I want to tell him, that I **need** to tell him? I'm not that good with words and even worse with mouthing my feelings, I will ruin it all...

"Dean." His voice chides me for my insecurity. "You know how. Open your mouth and speak. So what is it you want to tell me?" Is he mocking me? My eyes go wide when I realize that he enjoys this. My beautiful angel has a sadistic side! This is new to me and I desperately want to discover more things about him, I want to know everything, though we are already close.

_I always thought it would be easy._ It is just three small words, right? Nothing more. _I never thought it would be such a problem _to me. Dean Winchester with his normally cool attitude isn't able to tell his best friend what burns within him for years? Yeah, this is so totally me. I don't know if I should laugh or cry and _I feel caught like a deer in the headlights _under Cas' intense eyes that make me want to rip my heart out of my chest and offer it to him._ I feel paralyzed_. God, I want him. I want to press him up against a wall and screw him senseless! Dammit!

_I have to say it, though I still don't know how, I have to tell him, it is now or nothing._

"I will leave now, if you just stand there, staring at me..." He already knows! But he wants to hear it from my own lips? So he shall get what he wants. It seems as if my angel always gets what he wants.

"No!" I'm about to panic and my heart wants to explode within my chest, it is torture. "_Please don't go. Don't **ever** leave me!" I have often fantasized about telling it to his face_ and every time I imagine telling him about my feelings it ends in a different scenario, depending on my mood: he leaves me because he is disgusted and I will never see him again, when I'm in a bad mood or he will be happy, kiss me, when I'm in a good mood. I cannot even tell what mood I'm in right now. Confused would cover it. "J_ust stay a little while longer, please don't leave._"

I step closer to him, feeling warmth radiate from him while I look into his eyes. He returns my gaze coolly, Goddamn motherfucker! He **knows** but he practically squeezes it out of me.

"_What I'm trying to tell you is..._" Breathe! Don't lose it now! "_I love you!_" His face – his wonderful, beautiful face – breaks into a smile, his lips curling up at the sides, his eyes glowing from the inside out as he grabs the sides of my face, stepping even closer to me, our chests touching.

"I know, Dean." he whispers and his breath ghosts over my face, sweetly caressing it. "I love you, too." The he kisses me. Oh fuck, where has he learned to do such wicked things with his mouth, with his tongue, I ask myself as his lips part mine without hesitation, his tongue slipping between them, stroking every inch of my mouth it would reach. My brain shuts down, I'm lost, I barely feel his hands slide down to my shoulders when he deepens the kiss – if that is even possible.

There's a strange pressure behind my eyes, it builds up, then is released when the tear slips down my cheek. Shit, he see it, feel it, taste it. But why do I even care? He just told me he loves me. _Cas _loves _me._ Me of all creatures on this earth.

When we coma apart for air I realize that he has pushed me back up against the wall behind me and I look up at him with parted lips, slightly panting because all these feelings boil within me. His thumb gently brushed the tear from my cheek and I lean into his touch.

"You are mine, Dean." I love how his voice is dark and possessive just like his too-blue eyes.

"I know."

He presses me closer to the wall, his hands all over my body. I guess it will be _him_ screwing _me senseless_.

I love every second of it.

**END**

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